He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
