I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize