I cut my penus on the lid.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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