I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
