Need sex. Gaining weight.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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