Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize