theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
