I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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