mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
