They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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