goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Randomize
