do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
