you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
