Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
