Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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