I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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