You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
