I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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