I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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