my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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