I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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