Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
