I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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