I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
