I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
