Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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