on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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