This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
