i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
