Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
