matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
