actually, I'm a sock model
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
