someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You're like the curious george of whores
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You're a waste of cheezeits
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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