Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
