Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
