I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize