Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
