u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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