Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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