If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
