Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
