i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
