I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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