I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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