I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
vagina is talking i cant
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
