is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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