By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
