pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
