I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
