definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
