I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
