remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
