I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
