you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
