I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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