There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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