Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
