I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
