she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize