i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize