First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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