you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
