i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My vagina just recognized that song.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
