when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
