hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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