I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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