i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
