It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
