At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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