god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if only i could text you this smell
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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